Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 
Laugh together and nobody knows you're there. 

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I got a gun for my wife,  best trade I ever made.

There are a lot of things we do that are irrelevant,
but that's what the Senate is for.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a poor memory.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier then putting it back.

Never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.

Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger then you think.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Work fascinates me . . .   I could sit and watch it for hours.

Keep working, millions on welfare are depending on you.

I married Miss Right.   I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken 

Out of my mind.  Be back in five minutes. 

Cover me. I'm changing lanes. 

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon 

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep 

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 

Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus. 

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! 

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. 

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. 

Friends don't let Friends vote Republican. 

Wink, I'll do the rest! 

When there's a will, I want to be in it! 

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? 

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! 

I go from zero to bitch in 2.4 seconds. 

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! 

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. 

Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 

He who laughs last thinks slowest 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. 

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. 
  
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

i souport publik edekasion

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months . . .  I don't like to interrupt her.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. 
  
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 
  
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 

2 things go when you get old,  Your memory...  and I forget what the other one is.
  
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 
  
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
  
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a ock. 
  
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic articles. 
  
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

How many men does it take to open a beer ? . . . .
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

Men are not pigs, pigs are gentle, sensitive creatures.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Nobody goes there anymore, it's to crowed. 

Losing a wife can be hard.  In my case, it was almost impossible. 

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? 
Sexual harassment. 

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? 
$3.99 a minute. 

I'm not playing with myself, I'm working my pocket calculator. 

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

If blind people ware sunglasses, why don't deaf people ware ear muffs.

A wise man once said "Know what a wise choice is."

Also see Þ ... ... Ü joke (s) of the month

Get a FREE Stress Relief Kit

J
ß

(Dilbert is not affiliated with this page)